Again its JULY…

Since Friday I was feeling really sad n low. I just had this strange thing that I was missing something in life and didn’t know y was I feeling so. I told this to few of my frnds, and they got worried and kept pestering me to tell them wht was wrong, but I kept telling them I really didn’t know wht was wrong. They kept asking me so many times tht I switched off my phone n told them the phone stopped working coz it got wet in the rain. I still hvnt spoken to ne1 and its now 5 days n my phone is still switched off…

Did I tell them the truth????
Nopes…. I really knew wht was wrong wid me n wht I was missing so much…. Y am I always in a self-denial mode????

Today reminds of July ’02 – for the first time when I decided to move towards something I badly wanted in my life. This feeling spontaneously awakened the so called writer/poet withing me. I started writing small thoughtful articles n poems in hindi which eventually led me to write everyday… God knows how much I used to write, the moment I had even like 5 mins of free time I used to sit wid my dairy and keep writing. I have a collection of 8 diaries all filled with writings in HINDI (one is with nikki which she stole, so total 9). Something I was really possessive about n till today no1 is allowed to neither read them nor even touch them.

Then came Dec ’02, in just 6 months reality struck me really hard and there I was all scattered around in lil pieces which were so difficult to gather. I was still gathering the scattered pieces even after 5 years until today. I remem tht nite when I controlled my tears till every1 went to sleep n then I locked myself in the kitchen n cried all thru the nite. When I woke up in the morning my eyes were really badly swollen with puffiness n my mum dad thought tht I had got an eye infection unaware of the nite tht passed by was a really long n a bad one.

It was a big challenge for me to gather myself at tht point of time widout letting my family know wht I had been thru. I had none of my frnds around, I had to do it all by myself. At so many times I felt tht I wanted to hug them n cry myself out but was unable to do tht. It took really really long for me to recover. The biggest thing tht I feared and I still fear is myself n my emotions. I dint realize tht I stopped accepting my feeling. Thts y I say I was in a self denial mode. I had locked myself somewhere deep within my heart.

I lost myself being DARSHITA – the arrogant, shrud, sarcastic, bitchy, fussy, strict, selfish gal & TASHI – the stupid, idiot emotional fool who used to move one with a simple kind gesture. I was totally lost being one of the two and forgot tht ME was a good and right mix of both of them.

Today after 5 yrs, mnth of JULY – while I was solving my sis’s math’s problems, AGAIN a few words came to my mind and I penned them down till I finished it. To what I read tht I had written – don’t know, but it sounded a kind of a message to me. I just went in a sound silent thought. Again I cried locking myself in the room after reading wht I had written. But this time it was for good. I just felt I found all the scattered lil pieces n I was once again the same old gal.

The next thing I did was removed all those diaries and even without opening them once I went n threw them in guttar. Aaahhhh but it dint hurt me at all while doing this n it surprised me in it itself. My mum, dad n my sis were shocked to see tht I actually threw them off. Hehehe hahaha

Today I’m so much relaxed, gathered and all collected very much open in my mind. I have set new goals for myself and will move ahead with them. Wow.. after so long I m feeling so light at heart and head….

It’s been like Lost and Found… Yippee.. cheers