Can Men and Women be FRIENDS?

This is one of the assignments done by me for my creative writing course i have taken and supposedly was the best crafted piece. (thts wht my teacher felt) but its not here for that reason but a topic i like debating, discussing and arguing... is so much fun... have fun reading... here it comes

Can Men and Women be FRIENDS?

Reading about human behavioral psychology has always been one of my interests. While I was working on my English Research assignment, I came across one of the essay titled “What’s Funny to Him is Funnier to Her” in my book. The title really pulled my attention and I landed up reading the essay and also read articles related to it on online psychology journals. After reading a few articles, I thought it would be best to write on this topic titled above because to some extend I could relate myself to the topic and at some point of time in our lives we all have come across this question.

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, it may explain at least one of their shared beliefs: Men and women can't be real friends. Blame the sexual tension that almost inevitably exists between any man and woman. Point to the jealousy that affects many rational people when a significant other befriends someone of the opposite sex or be it the inherent differences between the sexes. [Ward, L. (Sept 20, 2005)] It just can't be done. This is what people feel all the time, Right?
Wrong, even I have experienced and relationship experts have said the same. "The belief that men and women can't be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance," explained Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York. "Now they work together and share sports interests and socialize together." This cultural shift has encouraged psychologists, sociologists and communications experts to put forth a new message. Though it may be tricky, men and women can successfully become close friends. What's more, there are good reasons for them to do so.

Society has ruled out romance as the typical male-female relationship because it’s a way of begetting babies and keeps the life cycle going; cross-sex friendship, as researchers call it, has been either ignored or trivialized. We have rules for how to act in romantic relationships (flirt, date, get married, have kids) and even same-sex friendships (boys relate by doing activities together, girls by talking and sharing). But there are so few non physical male-female friendships on display that we're at a loss to even defining these relationships.

Part of this confusion stems from the media. A certain classic film starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal convinced a nation of moviegoers that sex always comes between men and women, making true friendship impossible. Television hasn't helped either, almost every time you see a male-female friendship; it winds up turning into romance. These cultural images are hard to overcome. It's no wonder we expect that men and women are always on the road to romance. But that's only one of the major barriers.
It’s also about defining the relationship between men and women as Friends and as Lovers. Non physical love does exist. Ask people who have opposite sex buddy, they would confirm that "friendship attraction" or a connection devoid of lust, is a bona fide type of bond that people experience. Distinguishing between romantic, sexual and friendly feelings, however, can be exceedingly difficult. People don't know what feelings are appropriate toward the opposite sex, unless they're what our culture defines as appropriate. You know you love someone and enjoy them as a person, but not enough to date or marry them. What does this mean?

It’s also about overcoming the sexual attraction. The reality that sexual attraction could suddenly enter the equation of a cross-sex friendship uninvited is always there in the background. A simple hug could instantaneously take on a more sexual meaning. You're trying to do a friend-friend thing, but the male-female parts of you get in the way. Unwelcome or not, the attraction is difficult to ignore. [Morry, M. M.(2007)]

In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 150 professional men and women were asked what they liked and disliked about their cross-sex friendships. Topping women's list of dislikes was sexual tension. Men, on the other hand, more frequently replied that sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship, and that it could even deepen a friendship. Either way, 62 percent of all subjects reported that sexual tension was present in their cross-sex friendships. [Reeder, H. M. (2000)]

Friendship should be a pairing of equals. But, in a culture where men have always been more equal than women, male dominance, prestige and power is baggage that both men and women are likely to bring to a relationship. Women are at risk of subconsciously adopting a more submissive role in cross-sex friendships, although that is slowly changing as society begins to treat both genders more equally.
Society may not be entirely ready for friendships between men and women that have no sexual subtext. People with close friends of the opposite sex are often asked "Are you really just friends?" This is especially true of older adults, who grew up when men and women were off-limits to each other until marriage.

As the workplace and other social arenas become increasingly open to women, the sexes are mingling more and more. Still, men and women continue to have surprisingly few opportunities to interact. These obstacles may seem numerous but, male-female friendship is becoming not only a possibility but also a necessity. If men and women are to work, play and coexist in modern society, I believe men and women must learn to understand and communicate with each other. Eventually people are now beginning to understand some basic truths about male-female friendship. [Parker, S. & Vries, B. (1993)]

Men benefit more from cross-sex friendship. There are proven, apparent and distinct differences between female friendship and male friendship. Women spend the majority of their time together discussing their thoughts and feelings, while men tend to be far more group-oriented. Males gather to play sports or travel or talk stock quotes; rarely do they share feelings or personal reflections. This may explain why they seem to get far more out of cross-sex friendship than their female counterparts.
Men I know consider cross-sex friendships as being much higher in overall quality, enjoyment and nurturance than their same-sex friendships. What they reported liking the most was talking and relating to women—something they can't do with their buddies. Meanwhile, gals I know found their same-sex friendships higher on all these counts. They expect more emotional rewards from friendship than men do, so they're easily disappointed when they don't receive them. I remember one of my friend telling me that "Women confide in women and men confide in women”, while we were discussing this topic.

...But Women benefit too. All that sharing and discussing in female-female friendship can become exhausting, as any woman who's stayed up all night comforting a brokenhearted girlfriend can attest. With men, women can joke and banter without any emotional baggage. I feel that friendships with men are lighter, more fun. Men aren't so sensitive about things. I also like the protective, familial and casual warmth I get from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers. What I like the most of all is getting some insight into what guys really think.

Cross-sex friendships are emotionally rewarding. Although women dig men's light hearted attitude, most male-female friendships resemble women's emotionally involving friendships more than they do men's activity-oriented relationships. The number one thing male and female friends do together is talk one-on-one. Other activities they prefer—like dining out and going for drives—simply facilitate that communication. In fact close male-female friends are extremely emotionally supportive because they continuously examine their feelings, opinions and ideas. Males appreciate this because it tends not to be a part of their same-sex friendships and females appreciate gathering the male perspective. [Morry, M. M.(2007)]
In reality it’s not all about sex or isn't always on the agenda. That could be due to sexual orientation, lack of physical attraction or involvement in another romantic relationship. After all, even friends who are attracted to each other may also recognize that qualities they tolerate in a friendship wouldn't necessarily work in a serious romantic relationship. And after years of considering someone as a friend, it often becomes difficult to see a cross-sex pal as a romantic possibility. Of pairs that do face the question of lust, those that decide early on to bypass an uncertain romantic relationship are more likely to have an enduring friendship. [Morry, M. M. (2007)].

Men and women have increasingly similar rights, opportunities and interests, which can make cross-sex friendship very political. It upsets the agreed-upon social order. Women and men engage in an equal relationship, or they aren't friends. For one thing, new generations of kids grow up believing that boys can play with dolls and girls can take kickboxing, and they're crossing paths more frequently as a result. [Morry, M. M. (2007)].

Men and women are blending both traits as their societal roles become more similar. Men are more willing to have feminine characteristics, and women are a lot more willing to admit to traditionally masculine characteristics, like assertiveness. Whatever the challenges of male-female friendship, to succeed as friends, both genders have to openly and honestly negotiate exactly what their relationship will mean—whether sexual attraction is a factor and how they'll deal with it—and establish boundaries. If sex is part of the dynamic, addressing it explicitly is the best strategy for making sure the friendship survives. The issue will fester if friends try to ignore it. So in the end, male-female friendship does have something in common with romantic relationships: To work, communication is the key.

Back to the blog

Aaaaahhhhhh feels so nice to come back to my blog.... i had a good roller coaster of emotions for a couple of weeks now... finally things are better...

In no time the semester has almost come to an end and in 2 weeks i will be done with the first semester. enjoying the winters... really dont hv much thougts rght now but will be back to this place soon with nice things to write about... cheers :)