Jan 30, 2013

Being Married...

After my this post once upon a time I never thought I would  write on this topic again!! And here I am again...

I met up with with an old friend today for dinner and we were catching up after a long long time close to a decade!!!  A couple of months ago he was getting ready to get married with his long time friend and on and off girl friend.

Unaware of whats going in his life and him relocating to Dubai, I happen to ask him how his married life was treating him as the first year is special! It came as a shocking surprise when he told me that he had split with his wife few months ago and processing a divorce!!! As much as I was shocked I could see the pain in his eyes and so I decided to change the topic and catch back memories of good old school days!

I am home lying in my bed after a nice day of solitude, can't stop thinking!!! whats wrong with people. Where is the concept of adjustments, tolerance and patience gone these days. I am hopelessly romantic, practically optimistic and I strongly believe that the meaning and definition of Love changes with different experiences be it good or bad and you can definitely fall in love more than one time only difference being its not the first time so there are are fewer things that can take you for a surprise and affect you or you react to them as the first time!

Among all my close friends especially the girl gang; I am the only one left single! All I hear from the married ones is to enjoy my singledom and freedom while I can. Marriage is the throw out call for the rose-tinted glasses. My cousins and friends repeatedly say; the first thing that goes out of the window is LOVE the day you say I-DO!!!

I refrain and refuse to agree to that! I believe its a new beginning to fall in love all over again with the same person you have said your vows to!

Love will happen.  All over again or for the very first time. But it will happen. You may have known him for years, or just a few months. But this guy who you are promising your life to is still pretty brand new to you and you to him. Once the annoying habits have all come to fore, and the diverging views on all things important have been argued over, you will begin to see how he's come to accept you and you him. In a way no one ever accepted either of you. Not parents, brothers, sisters, friends. No one else but you and him.  

You will grow faster than you have in years with this marriage. In a few days, weeks, months you will begin to feel like you are not the same anymore. You might even begin to look different. And scary as that may seem, don't fight it. Because the woman that will emerge on the other end will definitely be a stronger, more grounded, infinitely more mature and definitely more selfless person. Who has finally learned to live just as much for another person as she does for herself.

There will be days you will wonder if this was a mistake. Don't shy away from those days. Because when you weigh the choice you have made versus all the could-haves and would-haves you might even feel a tiny twinge of having given something up. And that's okay. Because there will be that moment when he makes you laugh so much you think you might cry, or slips a compliment in front of people unexpectedly or unconsciously stand up for you when you need it or simply begins to share his friends, work, time, memories and life with you just as you do and your heart will stop. And you will smile knowing one thing: This is where you were always meant to be. Its where you truly belong. You are home.

Marriage is the beginning of a whole new family. Don't be afraid to lay the rules, if you are proud of how your parents or his did something, or you'd rather do things differently, explore it. Just do it together. And after you've laid down rules, remember that sometimes it is more important to be happy together than right in your own stubborn corners. You can only hope to be happy. But atleast you can do that instead of repeating, "this is just not working" to yourself when things seems bleak or low.

Seek contentment as much as you can versus seeking pleasure. Even if he doesn't know what that means, he will learn it from you in the choices you make, the way you live your life and conduct yourself. Until one day you'll find yourselves sitting in absolute silence on a couch, thinking the exact same thought and share a smile knowing you guys have become reflections of each other.

I do believe marriage whether love, arranged, matched online, through a newspaper, a nosey aunt or a good-intentioned friend, isn't something we make happen- Unlike choosing your grad school or course or who to date or who to be friends with. There's powers at play here much deeper and greater than you've known that have chosen and decided which two of all of us on this planet are to come together. Do stop to appreciate the strength of that power and know that you can only be in good hands. You are blessed simply by having been brought into each others lives. Some good will definitely have to come out of that. Take that thought and make the most of it. As much as you can. And breathe, as Anna Nalick says in the song., Just breathe. 

 And when you want to pull your hair out with frustration, and I kid you not those days will come more often than you might have imagined, think of Chandler in that episode of F.R..I.E.N.D.S when he discovers Monica's hidden closet of trash and asks her why she hid it and she says: "Because I didn't want you to know I am messy." And he goes: "I don't love you because you're organized. I love you in spite of it!" :))

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