I, Me and Myself

Before I start writing, I have to mention that my cooking experiments have never turned a nightmare. I baked a chocolate cake and for sake of fun, I wanted to do some variation. God’s knows how and from where weird ideas come to my head. I mixed red wine with orange flavored Tang and soaked the cake in it n dressed it with frozen mixed berries. I was to hesitant and scared to taste the combination of red wine mixed with Tang, so gave a shout to Meowww (that’s my roomie Soumya) to come and taste it. She said it has turned awesome n trust me it was so fabulous that we all 5 gals pounced on it n in just 2 mins the cake was over. Just we missed the freshly whipped cream as a topping, n with that it would have tasted like heaven!!!! – No wonder Meoowww calls me Creative cook.


Now back to myself. People have had been telling that I had changed after coming to Canada and I continuously kept disagreeing to the fact that – I had changed but not for good. After all the rona – dhona for months, I guess I have learnt to be happy while staying all by myself. Only after I overcame all this emotional roller coaster, Arjun visited me last week and we had a great time together.

Honestly, now even I feel more comfortable with my life here – though its not that great but its neither that bad. After really long, I mean absolutely after 8 months my life has blessed me by keeping me busy and I guess I love it that way. And I only realized it when my project instructor Paula specially came upto me to tell me, “You love to stay extremely busy, don’t you? You don’t want to take a break for 5 mins while you are in lab”. Even I agree to her but I guess I love to stay busy. I guess idleness would kill me someday for sure.
By the way people have stop complaining that I am not the same Dee, darshi, darshu, tashi , they knew and now they have the same old me – only difference I’m not around them. My life is back to normal – I mean I am back to attending calls again figuring out where people’s lives are leading, solving their so called love issues, being the relationship counselor and the life expert.

And to people who really think that I look very different and attractive, these days and that I have lost a lot of weight. There’s nothing like that and no special reason behind it. I am not used to listening such things about me so BOYS stop complimenting.

Now what’s next with me… I guess will be finishing my semester in 2 months and by then I guess I should have some job. And we will see what happens next 

The Christmas week & the New Year

I had a great christmas week starting from 24th dec'07 (i m sure i dont need to specify tht but then too). I really had a good time with friends, movies and lots of masti. We travelled to Oak Ridge and Port Perry, some of beautiful places in toronto, all covered with snow n frozen lake Ontario. Being in a vacation home with a balcony which gives u a breath taking and a mind blowing view. i loved it more cuz some how white attracts me a lot. it just looked like heaven on earth, the weather being really nice, not very very cold. I never thought with what I had seen in toronto that it had such beautiful places around. The saddest part tht i forgot to take my camera charger.... damn!!!

After all the fun in that beautiful home, we went for some gambling at the blue heron some where near port perry, which in itself is located at a beautiful place. Won a lil moolah with black jack and later moved our way back to toronto aka scarborough (sometimes, rather all the time I feel its a sad place) never mind just another four months n prolly might just move to Edmonton if I dont manage to find nething worth in toronto.

Now coming to last night i.e. 31st Dec 2007, was a fabulous day and a great evening and a nice new year start. i celebrated the new years according to indian time with all my frnds on phone, i was glad cuz i wanted to be with my few frnds n family, then followed by the evening, I sooo much felt like dressing up n going out to see the fire works in downtown. So i dared to wear a short skirt in tht cold weather and believe me it was cold but i survived. We had some good time strolling down the streets, these guys so wanted to go to a club n dance thru the nite n i so wanted to be in the open spaces that we split into 2 groups. I shudnt be happy but those guys never landed up going to a club, they got separated, the phones lines were jammed and welcome the new year in a despair n jiff. And me on the other hand enjoying the snow at Nathan Phillip Square, counting down the seconds and then shouting with everyone, and the fireworks. Then we were so hungry that we picked up a sub then travelled out way back home, at home we played some nice music, made some hot gulab jamun, again was on calls till 5.00 am n then finally slept.

Now a brand new day, a brand new year, today I just don't feel like thinking too much about the last year nor wonder about what will happen in this year. A nice snow clad day, lotta peace in my head, a nice naughty smile.... so i guess it's a nice start. Will eventually look forward to things.....
So HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

By the way the pic is of the house we stayed in n was clicked when we were entering and after tht my cam died...... :(

Building a Dream

Dreams can get lost. From time to time most of us need a refresher course on building a dream.. The dust of day-to-day living can bury them. New dreams are often birthed in the midst of trial.

Dreams take time to build. When building a dream you must be prepared to persevere. Building a dream is not for the faint-hearted! It takes faith, faith in yourself and faith in God who plants the seeds of dreams in the first place.

Most of us have a dream buried beneath the rubble of life. Take it out and dust it off. If you have no dreams left, put a new dream in your heart.

Share your dream with one person who will walk beside you and encourage you in building a dream. We all have days when the daily dust piles up again and it’s easy to let the dream slip away. A soul-mate will paint the colors of your dream for you when you have forgotten the picture.

Building a dream can start today

D – Define your dream. If it’s more education be specific about a particular course. If its starting your own business pinpoint exactly what you would do. If it’s helping the needy then decide what need and in what location. Identify where you’re going.

R - Resource yourself. In other words, do your homework. Find out what it takes to make happen what you want to happen. Where is your course offered? How much does it cost? Is there a market niche for the business you want to start? Can you practically get to the need you wish to help meet? Evaluate the risk. The greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing!

E - Equip yourself. Start a savings account for your dream and put in pennies if that’s all you have today. Register for one course. Write up a business plan. Volunteer in the area of the need you have identified. Many dreams go by the wayside because no one ever took that first step. Make a choice today.

A – Apply yourself. Dreams take hard work and often sacrifice. You will have to say “no” to some things in order to pursue your dream. Persevere.

M – Manage yourself. Know your priorities and stick to them. Many things will call you away from your dream. Don’t let regret of yesterday or fear of tomorrow rob you of pursuing your dream today!

Chocolate Vs. Love

Have you ever gone a long time without eating and felt your stomach groan with hunger? In those situations, what was your body telling you? Obviously, it was crying out for some nutritious food. Yet, how often have you consumed chocolate candy out of desperation or convenience, just to get rid of those hunger pangs? I've done it several times. What happens?

Chocolate Highs
Initially, feeding your empty stomach with chocolate feels great. The ache goes away, your hunger disappears, and all of the sugar and caffeine hitting your system gives you the sensation of feeling "high." Buzzing with bliss, you wonder why you don't eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

About thirty minutes later, however, everything changes. A sharper pain than the one before grips your stomach, and your head becomes dizzy. All of your pleasant feelings degenerate into discomfort worse than your original hunger.

What caused this pain to result?

Was there something wrong with the chocolate? No. Chocolate candy is safe to eat, but it doesn't contain the nutrients necessary for your body to survive. Therefore, when you are hungry, chocolate alone cannot help you. Instead, it makes you feel worse. For your body to thrive, it must receive a steady diet of nutritious food. Then you can enjoy chocolate as a fun dessert. However, you will get sick if you try to live solely on chocolate.

Unfortunately, many singles enter dating relationships by trying to "eat chocolate on an empty stomach." They approach one another with hungry hearts, hoping that the other person will feed them. This condition can be especially acute when a man or woman feels lonely, rejected, or starved for acceptance. Without love, people become desperate for something to fill the void inside their hearts. A romance, with its potentially sweet taste and emotional highs, seems the likely solution to their hunger.

Looking for love in all the wrong places

As a single adult, they are hungry for love and searched repeatedly to find a man/woman to fulfill them. Every new romance that they entered felt like a chocolate sugar high, with soaring emotions, exhilarating self-esteem boosts, and a sweet sense of security. In the headiness of romantic rapture, their heart thinks that a man/woman could fulfill them forever. Nevertheless, the euphoria inevitably collapses. Sometimes, it takes weeks. Other times, it takes months.

Regardless of how wonderful a new dating relationship feels, the romantic bliss will eventually wear off. Human affection may taste good, but, like chocolate, it cannot give our hearts what they need for survival. The true hunger of our hearts is to be accepted unconditionally. We need more than just attention, friendship, or sex. We long for someone to love us despite our faults, mistakes, and imperfections. Our hearts remain hollow when no one completely accepts us.

Unconditional love

Humans, however, cannot give each other unconditional love. We get upset or impatient when someone fails to make us happy. Furthermore, we base our love for someone on how well they perform. The root of this problem is sin, which causes constant mistakes, conflicts, and disappointments. No one is accepting, patient, and forgiving all of the time. Therefore, human love is like chocolate because the pleasure doesn't last. None of us have the ability to accept people unconditionally. The affection we give to each other may taste good initially, but the thrill disappears as our selfish motives demand performance. And this problem lasts from the cradle to the grave.

I don't mean to sound fatalistic, but we must acknowledge the reality that human love is performance-based. It always has been and always will be. You can date anyone in this world, but that person cannot give your heart the unconditional acceptance that it craves.

This truth also applies in marriage. Someone once asked my dad's friend, "What is your wife's opinion of you?"

He replied, "It depends on what day you ask her. Some days she loves me. Other days, I drive her crazy, and she wonders why she married me. My wife and I wish we could love each other perfectly, but it is impossible since we both sin and make choices that hurt each other."

Is marriage the answer?

Consider those around you. How many of your married friends warn you that marriage is tougher than you think? Yet, how many of your single friends complain of feeling incomplete without a spouse?

All too often, we neglect what our hearts really need and attempt to satisfy ourselves with a cheap substitute called romance. In essence, we try to live on an unhealthy diet of chocolate. But our hearts cannot survive under the demands of performance-based love. We inevitably burn out, wear out, or drop out, from trying to please others.

Real love is out there

You don’t need a new set of dating principles or techniques. A perfect love waits to delight you. This love, however, cannot soothe the ache within your heart until you stop chasing after romantic passion or passionate sex. Those shallow quests lead to emptiness. The hunger in your heart is for real passion.


Passion Awaits You

Stop settling for less than what your heart truly desires. A higher love waits to take you beyond the jaded, cynical disappointments that result from most dating relationships. No longer does your heart have to survive on the cheap chocolate of empty romance. You were made to experience more than just manipulation, performance, or selfish indulgence. You were created by God to share in the ecstasy of real love, not just when you get to heaven but in life on earth as well.

Before you can truly love another person, however, you must first understand how much you are already loved. So open your heart, and prepare for the passion that awaits you.

Stupid Women

Love is everything in a life of a woman. Failed to be successful in his professional sphere, a man at the moment can’t think about his relationships; on the contrary, a woman, having serious problems with her love affair, can’t concentrate on her job. Either agreeing with these statements or not, you can’t deny the fact that love and relationships are the huge part of a woman’s life. Exceptions are very few.

It all starts in the early childhood. Girls play dolls, marrying them, creating toy families; they play in mothers and daughters. Later girls start to dream of a beautiful white bride’s dress; they’re trying to catch the bouquet on the weddings of their elder relatives and friends. Their favorite topic for discussion are boys, they imagine a magnificent first date, a romantic first kiss, a perfect boyfriend, an ideal husband and a happy family.

Girls fall in love for the first time, and there starts the saga named “women and relationships”. Each girl thinks that she’s the unique one, the happiest or the most miserable. It doesn’t matter in fact, because love stories repeat the same scripts for every woman. Girls fall in and out of love, change boyfriends, making the same mistakes, blame it all on men.

When a woman starts new relationships with a man, she seems to play the main role. Men are obsessed with passionate attempts to get acquatinted with an object of adoration, but in course of time female happens to get too much attached to a partner, complaining of his not giving flowers or paying that tender attention anymore. A man has finally won his woman - she’s calling him everyday; turning for help, advice and understanding; she’s asking in a weepy voice “don’t you love me anymore?” - so does he still have to claim his individual property? His own logic says he doesn’t. Women and their relationships are the great encyclopedia of mistakes. Women tend to forget that the less they show their affection, the more they are appreciated by their second halves.

Women and relationships tell an endless story of a constant search for the Ideal Man that – and that’s proved by science – doesn’t exist. As a result, women try to change male dates in a way to meet their innocent dreams of Mr. Prince Charming on a White Horse. Usually, it never works - he gets annoyed, she gets disappointed.

We all should remind ourselves from time to time that we’re living in the real world, both men and women aren’t perfect, we have our bad habits and sins, some positive or negative past experience, our fears and complexes. While building relationships we have to deal with all that in each other. The love and relationships are never what women or men want them to be. Favorable outcome leads to compromises, dismal end – to everlasting cold war.

“The Buffalos” by William Carlos

No matter how strong are the values of a man or a woman they should never forget about feelings and happiness that are nowhere else to be found but in the heart of the beloved person. Men and women fight in relationships: fight for more independence, fight to prove their rightness and keep forgetting that love is not a fight but a “mutual support alliance”. William Carlos Williams in his story “The Buffalos” gives an outstanding example of a relationship between a man and a woman.

Francie in this story has a certain notion of what a relationship should be like. She seeks for being loved, understood, as any women does. But as far as it is possible to say – she has some kind of an inner conflict – she seeks love and at the same time she wants to show how independent and strong she is. She belongs to the type of women that will do anything to prove that they are not worse than man are and even better. Francie “had one defect-or habit, rather, which at first amused me. She was a great talker for woman's rights” says the storyteller. In her beloved one she saw love and an adversary at the same time. She got gentleness and love from him but afterwards she seemed to forget how precious it is and in this way she used the person she loved.

The man starts the story by telling: “Once I had a beautiful friend whom I loved and who loved me. It was not easy for us to see each other…”. This summation seems to reflect the whole story. The man loves, but in his relationship with Francie he seeks for pleasures. This is even supported by the fact that “it was sometimes months together before we could meet at all”. It seems to more of a “childish game” for him. The Buffalo story he tells her is some kind of reflection of his personal belief. Buffalos – are free animals, they do whatever they want. He tells it to outline the possibility for men and women live separately and freely like buffalos.

People should fight for their feeling if they want their relationship to work out. Love is not about being or not being dependent on each other. People should FEEL and think lesser than they do, stop constantly analyzing their relationship and just be happy, enjoying their moments together. This is the only way to really feel free. And at the end people are not buffalos, they are not animals- they are human being with hearts and souls. And the only thing really important thing to fight for is LOVE.

Just my thoughts put in words by some1 else!!!

This is a poem on Radhika’s blog.

If I ever say goodbye
Please don’t ask me, why???
But if ever you do the same,
I’ll readily take all the blame

If ever I decide to forget you,
I’ll erase your memory too
But if ever you do the same,
I’ll see to it you never forget my name!!

If ever in life we meet
I guess the memories would be sweet
But if destiny has something else in store
That certainly would be sweeter, I’m sure!!!

I had a few things or rather thoughts something like the above but was wondering if I would able to put those in words. Or to some extend I have actually put those words above in practice, specially the last 2 para’s. hehe I know I am such a……….. I am fed up of writing to much of philosophy on my blog, so lets have fun reading something practical and much more realistic.

Happiness scattered....

It was really nice lovely Sunday after really really long. Don’t know, something was soooo good about this day. With sleeping really late last night with all the assignments, dint feel like waking up till late in morning, but how was it possible. Why not???? You may ask, because it was Sunday, the only day in the week when everybody in the world remembers me without fail. All my Sunday’s start with an early morning call from my dadu, followed with my random friends all over world and then my darling parents, especially mom, with some gossip about the people in our world till mom feels sleepy and I think that its high time that I get out of my bed and get moving. Prolly the only day in the week I feel so relaxed and at home.

What was so special about today… actually nothing but it was once nice day. I was in my bed, believe me till 1 pm just simply attending calls. The best thing was I spoke to rushabh, anish and jayraj, just the same way like we used to have the multi millon dollar business conference calls for our weekend programs, all the guys pulling my leg and arguing and then finally agreeing to go to the place, I wanted to go… I miss that bossyness so much. It wasn’t only with the Joseph ites, but with other guys as well.

Watched Aaja nachle in the afternoon and believe me I was so jealous of Madhuri Dixit, she looked so elegant and beautiful at her age. I wish I am able to maintain like her till I reach her age. I guess after long I had madness attack, I was just dancing my way all thru the house, cracking really funny jokes, I felt that there was happiness all over my place. Finally with chef in me, we just had banana milkshake with fresh cream and cherries topped with chocolate ice cream. Yuummmmmm…… What else
I want before I hit the bed.

Don’t remember the last time I was so happy without having a reason, so just want to make a small prayer tonight that today’s spirit stays with me for a long time. Thank you god for such a beautiful day to cherish in my life.

Correlated....

I dont know the last time I read my friends blogs and a few more. It seems that everyone in the world had taken a long break from blogging and now they are back to their respective blogs.

I was reading parag's blog and believe me I just couldn’t stop smiling and laughing while i was reading it. I could see my roomates with the expression on their faces, "Has she gone mad?????" but they would not understand. I found a lot of similarities to the life I am leading these days. Life's definitely changed for good in like less than 4 months. I miss a lot of things, though I do get home cooked food, but its different when u have ur mom cooking for u. Though I am a good cook but it is boring to eat food that u cook. For a change, rather not a change cuz i used to this back home - to cook for boys. Like home, I have managed to some companions while being at school - again all guys, and land up cooking for them cuz i think they are mad over Indian food. The moment Bernard hears about pakora's his mouth starts watering.
After really really long I had a great time last night. Today our final formal report for our semester was due and we all guys started working on it like last evening at 4. After working like machines all of us were so tired and hungry that me, Bernard, Raoul, Monique, Kristein and Jigar decided that we should take a dinner break but it was so cold outside that no one wanted to come back to the library once we walked out. Finally I suggested that we should go to my place, have some nice hot Indian food and get back to the report. Everyone agreed in no time and we had some good dinner all together at my place. It was like a party time and we did not land up back to our reports till 11 pm. finally after all the fun we started working till 3.00 am and again tired took some sleep and hit back to college by 8.30. it seemed to be a long long day. Finally all major assignments come to an end for this semester and a finals next week.

Finally had some nice, enjoyable and memorable moments to store in memories of my first semester here. My oral presentations were fabulous and I guess I scored 90+ in all of them (I know people would say, "who can compete you in talking?" right). But again something comes to mind about the life here. The happiness here is just momentary. It’s gone once that time is gone. It’s all about leading a loner's life. You really don’t have a loving face to see when you get back home, cuz no one is waiting for u at home. It’s a juiceless life.

This brings me to the same point that parag has written as the last lines - BEING SINGLE IS SO BORING!!!!!!!!! hahaha believe me I am saying this. I know people who would read this would have a raised eyebrows cuz I am sure this is something they would not expect me to say but I finally gave in to that thought. (Samandaro ka pani koi na pee sake, akela khara jeevan koi naa jee saka). May be I never thought that being single was boring because I had great friends and life in mumbai. But when you are in a phase like me where you really dont have nething to look forward to makes me think that atleast if I had some1 in my life, it would give me a reason to look forward to things. This makes me think to which my mom has been telling to me for some time now - START THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE.

I guess I think I want to think over that option seriously and give it some serious thoughts and time. BUT Where the hell are all good guys.... the ones I knew who probably were nice guys and interested in me gave up on me after really waiting long and tried too hard to pursue me to get into a committed relationship. And all of them now, either have some1 else in their life or are all ready to get married in coming few months. Hehehe hahaha… I know I always have a hard luck when it comes to Cards and love, I am never on the winning side... But one thing for sure is that I have made up my mind that I am seriously going to consider it and think over it. I will have some quality time only after March so I think I should start hunting so that when I have time, I can put it to some good use... :)

I don’t know but I have always believed my instincts, and they have been correct almost most of times. And this time I have a gut feeling that after Christmas I am going to have a much organized life than I ever had before. I need stability to my life which eventually will come along. Have to really work hard next semester cuz it’s an important one and a lot is dependent on what I do and how I do,in the coming 4 months. Keeping my fingers crossed for a few things I have in my mind and really hope that they happen to me.... It has been ages that things have happened to me which I badly wanted in life. Hoping to have a great New Year star and have lots of things to look forward to.

Can Men and Women be FRIENDS?

This is one of the assignments done by me for my creative writing course i have taken and supposedly was the best crafted piece. (thts wht my teacher felt) but its not here for that reason but a topic i like debating, discussing and arguing... is so much fun... have fun reading... here it comes

Can Men and Women be FRIENDS?

Reading about human behavioral psychology has always been one of my interests. While I was working on my English Research assignment, I came across one of the essay titled “What’s Funny to Him is Funnier to Her” in my book. The title really pulled my attention and I landed up reading the essay and also read articles related to it on online psychology journals. After reading a few articles, I thought it would be best to write on this topic titled above because to some extend I could relate myself to the topic and at some point of time in our lives we all have come across this question.

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, it may explain at least one of their shared beliefs: Men and women can't be real friends. Blame the sexual tension that almost inevitably exists between any man and woman. Point to the jealousy that affects many rational people when a significant other befriends someone of the opposite sex or be it the inherent differences between the sexes. [Ward, L. (Sept 20, 2005)] It just can't be done. This is what people feel all the time, Right?
Wrong, even I have experienced and relationship experts have said the same. "The belief that men and women can't be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance," explained Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York. "Now they work together and share sports interests and socialize together." This cultural shift has encouraged psychologists, sociologists and communications experts to put forth a new message. Though it may be tricky, men and women can successfully become close friends. What's more, there are good reasons for them to do so.

Society has ruled out romance as the typical male-female relationship because it’s a way of begetting babies and keeps the life cycle going; cross-sex friendship, as researchers call it, has been either ignored or trivialized. We have rules for how to act in romantic relationships (flirt, date, get married, have kids) and even same-sex friendships (boys relate by doing activities together, girls by talking and sharing). But there are so few non physical male-female friendships on display that we're at a loss to even defining these relationships.

Part of this confusion stems from the media. A certain classic film starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal convinced a nation of moviegoers that sex always comes between men and women, making true friendship impossible. Television hasn't helped either, almost every time you see a male-female friendship; it winds up turning into romance. These cultural images are hard to overcome. It's no wonder we expect that men and women are always on the road to romance. But that's only one of the major barriers.
It’s also about defining the relationship between men and women as Friends and as Lovers. Non physical love does exist. Ask people who have opposite sex buddy, they would confirm that "friendship attraction" or a connection devoid of lust, is a bona fide type of bond that people experience. Distinguishing between romantic, sexual and friendly feelings, however, can be exceedingly difficult. People don't know what feelings are appropriate toward the opposite sex, unless they're what our culture defines as appropriate. You know you love someone and enjoy them as a person, but not enough to date or marry them. What does this mean?

It’s also about overcoming the sexual attraction. The reality that sexual attraction could suddenly enter the equation of a cross-sex friendship uninvited is always there in the background. A simple hug could instantaneously take on a more sexual meaning. You're trying to do a friend-friend thing, but the male-female parts of you get in the way. Unwelcome or not, the attraction is difficult to ignore. [Morry, M. M.(2007)]

In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 150 professional men and women were asked what they liked and disliked about their cross-sex friendships. Topping women's list of dislikes was sexual tension. Men, on the other hand, more frequently replied that sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship, and that it could even deepen a friendship. Either way, 62 percent of all subjects reported that sexual tension was present in their cross-sex friendships. [Reeder, H. M. (2000)]

Friendship should be a pairing of equals. But, in a culture where men have always been more equal than women, male dominance, prestige and power is baggage that both men and women are likely to bring to a relationship. Women are at risk of subconsciously adopting a more submissive role in cross-sex friendships, although that is slowly changing as society begins to treat both genders more equally.
Society may not be entirely ready for friendships between men and women that have no sexual subtext. People with close friends of the opposite sex are often asked "Are you really just friends?" This is especially true of older adults, who grew up when men and women were off-limits to each other until marriage.

As the workplace and other social arenas become increasingly open to women, the sexes are mingling more and more. Still, men and women continue to have surprisingly few opportunities to interact. These obstacles may seem numerous but, male-female friendship is becoming not only a possibility but also a necessity. If men and women are to work, play and coexist in modern society, I believe men and women must learn to understand and communicate with each other. Eventually people are now beginning to understand some basic truths about male-female friendship. [Parker, S. & Vries, B. (1993)]

Men benefit more from cross-sex friendship. There are proven, apparent and distinct differences between female friendship and male friendship. Women spend the majority of their time together discussing their thoughts and feelings, while men tend to be far more group-oriented. Males gather to play sports or travel or talk stock quotes; rarely do they share feelings or personal reflections. This may explain why they seem to get far more out of cross-sex friendship than their female counterparts.
Men I know consider cross-sex friendships as being much higher in overall quality, enjoyment and nurturance than their same-sex friendships. What they reported liking the most was talking and relating to women—something they can't do with their buddies. Meanwhile, gals I know found their same-sex friendships higher on all these counts. They expect more emotional rewards from friendship than men do, so they're easily disappointed when they don't receive them. I remember one of my friend telling me that "Women confide in women and men confide in women”, while we were discussing this topic.

...But Women benefit too. All that sharing and discussing in female-female friendship can become exhausting, as any woman who's stayed up all night comforting a brokenhearted girlfriend can attest. With men, women can joke and banter without any emotional baggage. I feel that friendships with men are lighter, more fun. Men aren't so sensitive about things. I also like the protective, familial and casual warmth I get from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers. What I like the most of all is getting some insight into what guys really think.

Cross-sex friendships are emotionally rewarding. Although women dig men's light hearted attitude, most male-female friendships resemble women's emotionally involving friendships more than they do men's activity-oriented relationships. The number one thing male and female friends do together is talk one-on-one. Other activities they prefer—like dining out and going for drives—simply facilitate that communication. In fact close male-female friends are extremely emotionally supportive because they continuously examine their feelings, opinions and ideas. Males appreciate this because it tends not to be a part of their same-sex friendships and females appreciate gathering the male perspective. [Morry, M. M.(2007)]
In reality it’s not all about sex or isn't always on the agenda. That could be due to sexual orientation, lack of physical attraction or involvement in another romantic relationship. After all, even friends who are attracted to each other may also recognize that qualities they tolerate in a friendship wouldn't necessarily work in a serious romantic relationship. And after years of considering someone as a friend, it often becomes difficult to see a cross-sex pal as a romantic possibility. Of pairs that do face the question of lust, those that decide early on to bypass an uncertain romantic relationship are more likely to have an enduring friendship. [Morry, M. M. (2007)].

Men and women have increasingly similar rights, opportunities and interests, which can make cross-sex friendship very political. It upsets the agreed-upon social order. Women and men engage in an equal relationship, or they aren't friends. For one thing, new generations of kids grow up believing that boys can play with dolls and girls can take kickboxing, and they're crossing paths more frequently as a result. [Morry, M. M. (2007)].

Men and women are blending both traits as their societal roles become more similar. Men are more willing to have feminine characteristics, and women are a lot more willing to admit to traditionally masculine characteristics, like assertiveness. Whatever the challenges of male-female friendship, to succeed as friends, both genders have to openly and honestly negotiate exactly what their relationship will mean—whether sexual attraction is a factor and how they'll deal with it—and establish boundaries. If sex is part of the dynamic, addressing it explicitly is the best strategy for making sure the friendship survives. The issue will fester if friends try to ignore it. So in the end, male-female friendship does have something in common with romantic relationships: To work, communication is the key.

Back to the blog

Aaaaahhhhhh feels so nice to come back to my blog.... i had a good roller coaster of emotions for a couple of weeks now... finally things are better...

In no time the semester has almost come to an end and in 2 weeks i will be done with the first semester. enjoying the winters... really dont hv much thougts rght now but will be back to this place soon with nice things to write about... cheers :)

Happiness...

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections"

Happiness is like a butterfly.
The more you chase it,
the more it will elude it.
But if you turn your attention to other things,
it comes soflty and sits on your shoulders.....

This is such a sweet message i got from my dad the moment i opened my inbox in the morning... and believe me i hv experienced this and its so true... i hv been bickering abt a few things for a month now... eventually was missing all my FRIENDS and my FAMILY a lot... but in the process of getting all things right i did not look at the good things it has given me...

Now i realize tht wht a life i hv lead back in mumbai... i hardly had time for myself, to sit back and just think about MYSELF... dont remember the last time i tried to be selfish and was just thinking bout myself... School, job and friends, i was occupied all the time with something or the other and here in toronto I had nuthing to do, no worries, nuthing challenging to look forward to, JUST ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO

But now I have a lot to look forward to. Yesterday I started packing my stuff as I will be moving into a new apartment with a set of roomies. It reminded me of the day when i started packing my things to come to toronto... man tht was a difficult day, i had a world to myself and i had only 4 bags and 75 kgs tht i could carry (that was really difficult, all the things close to me had to be left back home) and was for the first time i realized tht i had countable days left, i was really really sad. But yest i was so excited packing things, i will be all by myself and after long i will hv a chance to do up my space with things i like(i hv lotta things in my mind to do when i move in, wow).

My space - Lotta pillows, Candles, flowers, earthy colours arond and SOFT TOYS.. I'm so much looking forward to it.... ALL SET TO MOVE ON with everything new to life and i guess the reason I left India, did not go to US and came to Canada seems to be accomplished... Want to revive a few things in life but with new people and new friends.... A lot to look forward to....

It's a month!!!!

Finally it's a month here in Toronto. Yest night while I was trying to complete my assignment i realized that it's month here.today morning dont remem how many calls i attended and all were like sweetie its a month and we dont believe that you not missing ne1 or crying either (how to tell you peopele how much i cried when i woke in the morning - was missing mum like hell)I guess after long i spoke to almost all the people in my family and lotta friends, other reason it happened cuz it was ganesh visharjan and a sunday and all were getting ready to go for visarjan and dance like mad people with those ghati street music - man i missed it this year, it used to be so much fun.I'm feeling much better since the past week as I am the way I like it the best - Staying Busy. School really keeps me busy with a few things so i dont land up thinking rubbish things.

I think my blog recently or rather has become kinda of my personal diary. All useless and unwanted things that i shouldnt be thinking bout or worrying kept bothering me and in turn i kept bothering people in past 3 weeks. Finally things are settling down for me. I hv got my peace of mind back and can put this stupid head to some work worth it.

The only thing which i knew was not going to be easy for me was to make new friends. And same thing happened and to add to the disaster my class was full of Indians - definately not a bad thing cuz I am one and proud to be one - BUT the crowd was really pathetic and the remaining ones were Chinese and i was left with like 7 more people to interact with. But as I always say, ma be late or whatever i am blessed with really great circle of friends and i had Farnz in my class(I am a big social butterfly and need to have stupid mad funny people around me - not forgetting i am a loner as well and would like to go into my shell ocassionally and not be disturbed or bothered for some time)

Me and Farnz were caught up in the same crisis of transfer credits and some how trying to get rid of the extra english class that we were put in. But at the end we landed up being together and finally becoming lab partners. She is a nice Iranian girl (Boys dont run your imaginations wild - Shez MARRIED.... hahaha) Just a kind of a girl i would want to hang around with, not much of gossiping, bickering and some good realistic stuff to converse about.

Then to add more to get rid of my boredom and wanted to do a lil diff thing other than biotechnology, i took up french classes. I thought lets try to learn a new language. I was hesitant cuz i hate studying languages and then to study them and later write exams but however i took it. God to add more to it - i have french class on saturday morning at 9.30 am till 12.30... felt like killing myself. so finally i landed in the french class yest absolutely with no further interest to learn it. BUT.....

I think yest was really an awesome day close to the best day so far... the french class turned out to be a cool class, had lots of fun and finally made a few mad frnds.. for people n my lil sis - yes guys (trust me life is so simple when ur with guys)... i had met these guys before,a week back for like 15 -20 mins at siddhi's apt (yea tht bombay bitch tht keeps troubling me all the time with her stupid issues and problems - wonder how do those guys bear her) and then i see them in class. we just started chatting n making fun of the chinese girls in the class and by the end of the class i had 2 new friends...

Things are coming to my old routine and the weather is getting cooler. Just a few more things needs to be sorted out and my gaddi will be back on track ready to move further. Insha allah by next month everything will be in place and really hv no clue and dont want to think or analyse or plan for what's going to come next... will live the way i used to in bombay and take each day as it comes to me, life so far has not been really cruel, yea sometimes bad and sad but all for the better so no complaints.. Yipeee i am towards becoming the same old stupid and mad giel just like before. will put some nice stuff to read on my blog.. hopefully and not my jeevan katha.. hehe

I really dont know but i dont hv titles for my post these days... yest my cuzin left for india n again kinda main aur meri tanhaee.. i know it sounds so not like me but cant help it...

Had a really great long weekend with my cuzin n bhabhi in toronto.. went to niagara falls n places aroud. Yest they left n i had a long day in school.. still trying to be frnds with peoeple n believe me there are hell lotta indians in my program. But they are not the kinds i want to be friends with...

After we dropped my cuzin at the airport yest, i left for school. I was already missing them n started missing home so badly tht i landed up calling home n spoke to my ma n pa. But this time i cudnt controll my tears. i just felt like crying all the time and i landed calling my parents then called my dadu, kaka, kaki n some close frnds(spent a like $10 on calling cards n cried on all the calls equally, i was really missing every1). I didnt come here to b all alone... so far my life had been with people who loved me n i loved, all around me. I landed questioning myself tht this not for which i have moved here.. i had put in lotta efforts, technically fought with people who were against the idea of me coming here.

Today i m more relaxed, a lil low but its all right.. i will move on... i guess from next week i am going to be really busy with school.. for sure will find some accomodation so tht i can move out from my uncle's place n be a lil close to my campus so tht i dont travel for close to 5 hrs everyday... A few things tht also needs to be done is with my program details... get a US visa so if i wish i can go to New York n spend a weekend with Kay n shelia ma n pa (thts my second family). Will see if i can put in my papers for permanent residence as well..

There are lotta things to be done n i need to get my ass n head moving in tht direction.. its just tht i was never left so alone, i had someone or the other to eat my head, trouble me, late night phone calls or be mommy to my guys trying to figure out n help them find solutions to their issues. And now suddendly now i hv nuthing to do in life, its just me n myself n really dont hv nething in life tht i can look forward...

Between got a few good news, rachna is getting married in nov n moving to US(Ahhhh baby i m gonna miss ur wedding), Nikhil finally found a compatible physiotherapist who also now going to his better half (Nikhil i always told u kriti was the one for u, thank god atleast she asked for marriage orelse u guys wud hv spent god know how many more years just like tht), shruti - my collegue delivered a baby boy n her son looks so cute n handsome

And as for me, even i am looking forward in putting down something new fresh n refreshing things on my blog n not bicker all the time... and its not only about the blog but i need to get rolling with my life n move ahead n hv new things to life..

But in all this i hv this content feeling tht finally i hv reached toronto - FINALLY!!!

P.S. - My boys, plz stop writing me scraps, post n emails saying tht u guys miss me so much and its now difficult to meet to the other guys without me. it makes me feel bad n worse sometimes. u guys had, hv n will hv a life without me. dont make it sound like it was because of me tht we were bound in groups n used to catch up.. agreed tht all are now on jobs n tend to be lazy on weekends to get out n socialize but thts the only way u guys will remain bonded. it shudnt be tht the time i come down to mumbai tht one person is not aware wht other has been upto, for sure i cant come down n hit u guys but i will still shout over the phone... haha

LOVE YOU ALL n MISS ALL like HELL.... muuaaahhhh

Another day...

I've been really busy since past 2 days so cudnt be online, so yest nite when i went online i see a scrap from my sis saying 'di dad wants to talk to u, hez not keeping well' - such a bitch she is to say... i became so impatient reading tht, i cudnt hv my dinner n was waiting so tht i can call them back home... finally i called spoke to every1 n everything was fine... i think tht my parents back home really arnt bothered cuz they never feel the importance or the need to call me n check if i was doing fine or whether i am missing them or not - they hv taken it for granted tht i wud surely mange myself here... may be my mistake bcoz i hv always turned out to be strong headed kinds but nevertheless - i do miss home n mum, dad n sis.

secondly, finally i manage to get a moile sim card so tht i hv total access to people thru phone but when i get back home wid the sim card - the old phone stopped working.. wow (sarcasm) - finally somehow it started working today morning... thank god..

Now I am in school since past 2 days trying to figure out how to work on my courses n get transfer credits so tht i can finish the course by Dec'08.. after running btwn 2 campuses - the international office n my dept i was so pissed cuz my program co-od refused to fuse 2 semsters together..now since it was me on the other side how cud things not happen the way i wanted... so using the so called skill or wht ppl call me a 'chalu girl' - i met my co-od n requested him to combine 2 semester with transfer credits but he refused me flat on my face - now since i knew him for past week i could figure out tht hez a nice family man n really sweet - so hear i go - the conversation

D - Allan u know wht, u will actually hv to work out something for me
A - girlie why dont u understand, i just can go n break the semesters n course patterns for u
D - but i cant take in those chemistry's again n i dont want my course to extend it to close to 2.5 yrs,
A - but u cant hv all things your way, i cant go to retirement widout being on a job
D - i'm sure there will be some way out
A - no there isnt, only way u can finish the 4 sem's are, i think u shud leave the co-op option n hv continuos 4 sem's
D - its was the co-op option i hv taken the course for. allan u dont understand. u know wht i hv planned my marriage for dec 08 n coz of u i will hv to cancel it for the second time n this time if i do so, my man will surely find another girl n u know its not tht difficult to find another girl
A - Aaaaahhhhh, there u go lady, dont worry, to me u dont seem so tht ur man will find another girl cuz u are a smart n beautiful woman unless u want another man (tht was a smart comment) but i am sure u can continue after marriage
D - but i dont want to study after marriage, n my man is not here in toronto so i cant leave him behind n come back to toronto n study... u want to seperate newly wedded couple
A - Awww, you making me feel bad... okies lemme do one thing.. leave ur student no behind i will try to play with the system n see if i can do tht for u... but thts not a promise, the system is a scheduled one, so if it doesnt work u will hv to find another way so tht ur dont hv to cancel ur wedding
D - hey Allan u know wht... u r really sweet n hv been really helpful rght since the day i hv entered the dept... i will keep my fingers crossed tht somehow the system accepts compilation of 2 fall n 2 winter sem's
A - yea will try to do tht
D - okies then, thanks for everything.. see ya on tues when classes start bbye
A - bye


No wonder naa tht there are some girls who call me a bitch or a chalu girl.. hehe haha.... i knew this trick wud work cuz every time i hv entered allan's office he has these 3 photo frames one of his family, one of his wife n one of his daughters... n it actually worked... i know it was such a bad thing to do n i got my thing done using a LIE
But the funniest thing is like, i was single, still single n dont know when am i going to hv tht some1 special n i got my self a man n a wedding planned - just to get some work done - wow... reminds me of niyati during KC days when she always used to ask me how come always ur excuses even if they are not real work n our genuine reasons are rejected.. i know she was quite jealous of me.. which also reminds me of shreya who always said, if u hv a difficult man to deal with call up D n hand over the case to her, i m sure the man will go happy n we will get our work done - n believe me it has happened so many times. i really dont know wht out of the world things i do tht she says tht but i wud only call it a TACT to deal with different people..

But between all this, being in a new country, new people n new environment, something i really need to take serioulsy is getting married... damn yaar!!! every1 in the world is either engagged or getting married n i m here this stupid girl, who doesnt even hv a temporary BF... i m a sad n boring girl.. i really think tht now GOD shud actually send in some character to handle a sample like me...

In Toronto
I landed here in Toronto on 15th Aug n reached home at 10 after long 32 hrs flight… not an exciting trip coz I had to take a preponed flight from Mumbai to Delhi at 2 instead of a 3.40 am flight which got delayed so tht I cud take the connecting flight to Toronto frm there… so btwn tht hush hush hardly had enuff time to say last min bye bye to my extended family n frnds who all were present my place. I got a call at 9.30 tht I had to take an earlier flight n since reporting time is 3 hrs we just left home the moment we finished the call… it was good in a sense tht since every1 started moving around fast so nobody thought n had time to cry n be sentimental n make me cry while I was leaving.. finally I boarded the flight with flight delay n stuff.. finally I reach Toronto n see tht outta 3 bags one was missing n then I had to wait n claim for my missing baggage n then finally came outta the airport to see wht Toronto looked like in the night.. within 15 mins frm airport I was to a new home… Didn’t feel great at all.

A new morning a new day in a new land.. just relaxed n chilled n stayed at home.. a big house with hardly ne ppl on roads, only things I could see was cars n theno was nothing to wht I hv seen in traffic in mumbai…the next day we went to square one for a visit which is a shopping zone really close to my place…. Just being inside the mall didn’t give me a feeling tht I was in a new land n in a new culture, why because I guess it’s the Mumbai lifestyle tht I hv been in tht didn’t surprise or excite me… even the shopping wasn’t much different in terms of products n style neither the price (don’t covert rupees to dollars then everything in the world wil b really expensive) – the only diff I found was it was much organized as compared to india. Really didn’t matter being among the phirangs cuz I guess I hv been dealing with quite a lot in past few months while I was working so was really comfortable.

Another day passed by just moving around. Today I went to my school n got myself registered. What a huge n lovely campus, such jovial atmoshphere. Here I could see the diff f being in Canada n being in India. The staff was so cooperative n jovial. Always smling n ready to give answers n help while back home the attitude was who cares, students will find their way out… waiting to start my classes soon..

I really hvnt been getting sleep for quite a few days here.. not tht I m not liking it or I m missing home but don’t know why. I guess I felt I m staying at wrong place wid wrong people… with m uncle n aunt giving advice all the time n being too much conservative n protective… I m seriously hv never been used to my parents being so… I was always left on my own n had a right to make my own choice n options n only was given suggestions.. here I guess they r diff, very diff frm my mum n dad. I really don’t like ppl giving me advice all the time n to be told wht needs to be done… damn yaar I m not a small girl neither do I come from some downtrodden village.. I come frm Mumbai living my life on my terms n making all choices according to my flexibility… I think I wud not be able to survive wid them for many days…

So whts next on cards ??? I hv a busy next week with orientations n rakhi coming up… my cuzin flying down from NYC so will hv a good long labour weekend, will visit niagra n other places in Toronto with them… after tht I will start with my school n hunt for accommodation n try to move out as soon as possible b4 actual winter can set in…. I know tht I hv not come to this place to be with my extended family n try to cook for them all the while n do all household work.. if I wanted to do so wud hv got married n settled easily.. I m here to get a good career for myself, some time n space for myself cuz I had to move on frm the past for new beginning n new goals n new people in life. Not tht I don’t want or need the people I hv left behind but its also important that you move on n ahead in life creating memories which when u look back brings a smile on ur face…. Trust me I had oodles of smile when I think bout the times n my darling loving ppl I hv left behind…. Ppl I really miss – mum for not hving her shouting n cribbing all the time, dad for getting icecreams , Arjun, Nikhil n Aayush for those big warm hugs n many many more.. the list is endless… but there are times you always reconnect…
There lots I want to write but don’t wht all n how to write so will end here… next update will soon go the cyberspace…

What a full-on Family I’m blessed with !!!!

A time I will always love to look back to...

Its been a long time that I actually had a great time socializing with my ‘khandan’. I had to quote tht word bcoz its been really really long that I actually went to a social gathering n interacted with my very big extended family coz of various reasons.

Sat & Sun was actually a kind of a farewell party time for me, and believe me I was so not excited with the fact that people were actually goin to come together. Reason – I am the eldest in the ‘khandan’ n I am perceived to be the kinda perfect girl – “dayi chokri”- LOL ask my mum n frnds.

I thought tht they wud all talk emotional stuff n some kinda rona dhona, but to my surprise, they were totally fun filled evenings. Damn, I actually thought for a while weather they were old or within my age group ( sorry – they refuse to call themselves old – though most of them are between 55 – 70 – ahhh such a young crowd – yea definitely at heart). Bon Voyage cards n gifts n lotta money was given to me.

Okies during those evening there were kinda teams, the older lot which included the dada dadi’s n kaka kaki’s n all, the men, the women and me n a chachu - he doest like me call him kaka coz hez just in his early 30’s but since hez my dad’s cuzin I said I will call him chachu.

Discussion 1 – My accommodation – great ideas came out right from staying in a dorm to a rented apartment to the fact guys n girls sharing an apartment to the extent that chachu said if I land up liking a guy n if i want i can move into a Live in Relationship – n conducted a poll if ne1 had a prob wid it – though there was silence for a couple of seconds n then kaka dadu (my dad’s uncle) gave in his word that I better tell them n then move in rather then moving in widout they being unaware coz definitely no one has time n interested in spying on me… hahahaha – now I see they are good at handling things... no wonder we have managed to have Christian, south Indian and a maharashtrian bahu’s in our family…. I have to appreciate the sporting spirit… even I don’t know if I would want to go in for a Live in Relationship

Discussion 2 – Time span I’m gonna spend in Canada – it was unanimous that they don’t want me back… every1 was like they are not interested in having me back.. wow tht was so mean. My mum said come for 2-3 weeks, visit us n go back… 

Discussion 3 – Food – After all we are gujrati’s so food is inseparable. Sometimes I wonder whether they eat to live or live to eat. Hehe… But then since I am a facultative non vegeterain so every1 was like I shud start eating everything, I was amazed tht personally I wud never want to eat beef n pork but chachu is like Greek n Lebanese cuisine is awesome. I was startled listening to it. So he goes like if u r not comfortable just ask some1 to order for u widout asking whts in it n just eat it, u will enjoy it. I shud believe if he sayz tht cuz we both share same kind of taste buds.

Discussion 4 – Social life n circle – The only advice n the only person who spoke on this was chachu n said – if you wanna go n make Indian frnds n be among desi’s thn u r better here. So move out n make frnds from different cultures, it’s a wonderful experience to have them around.

Discussion 5 – Guys n Marriage – interestingly it was the shortest discussion n only the ladies spoke. First my mum said, even here u were all the time wid guys so if I find u doing the same I will not be surprised. The aunties said, find a nice guy whose compatible n preferably an Indian. Secondly they said u don’t even need to come down here to get married, just get married n come here we’ll throw a party n reception for u guys. That was the end of discussion.

Wow, wow, wow.. tht was my feeling at the end of my weekend. Kinda of discussions I never expected them n their outlook to be of this kind n they have always surprised me with their attitude all thru my life. Wonderful feeling cuz u r not going to leave wid lot of unwanted advices n suggestions.

The only funniest thing was every1 though that I was 21, so when chachi said “arre aji toh tu 21 varas ni che, bo time che, maja kari le” n I said “chachi wake up, I m 23” everyone got a reality check tht I am not that young so it makes me feel more than happy that within gujrati’s 23 = 25 n would only think bout getting the girl married, my family (my mum, dad n dadu) happily widout ne inhibitions, second thoughts stood by my call to go out. So I m proud of my a lil diff n weird family..

Love ya all so much.I will really miss you all.. cheers

It was my B’day

It wasn’t like every yr, coz I wud be all geared up for my bday a week b4 n this time a day b4 i didnt even realize where my day went. Though I guess this yr ppl were all charged up to wish me at midnight, they landed up calling me b4 12 so technically I was attending calls of ppl wishing me happy bday to be precise from 18th July 11.45 pm till 19th July 2.35am. Like every year the war btwn Nikita, Janavi n Karan (though hez never the one competing) as on who wishes me the first Janavi called 10 mins b4 n didn’t hung up the call till 12, Kay called on the landline sharp at 12 n Nikki trying to call on either lines cudnt make it at 12.. hehe haha (she never won in this in pst 8 yrs, though makes a genuine effort every year). The other smarties i.e. Kunal, Vaibhav, Shreyang, Shruti, Vanshika, Tapan jiju n Sheetal Di all on a conference call wished me all together, tht was good fun.

I was damn tired, tht really was not in the mood to attend calls but since every1 had put in an effort to stay up late atleast who were in India to wish me so half in sleep I attended the calls. Then comes the morning n mum wakes me up at like 6.30 am don’t even remem y did she wake me n then I don’t get sleep once I m up so again by 7, I was on calls and opening the door n flowers n cakes kept flowing in..

I hv to thank all those guys sitting in the USA & Australia and its been years tht I get my gifts (they were quite interesting this yr), bunch of roses(they are my fav, brings a smile on my face ne time I get them frm whoever) n my fav cake delivered to me n made it so special every year… this time cudnt plunge on the cake coz it was a Thursday n my fast so cudnt eat the cake yest, n the dark devil dutch chocolate cake n black forest both had the common tag line like every yr “ Happy birthday to D = DEVIL = Darshita”. I hv 3 kgs of cake at my place n I m going to eat it all n I don’t mind the calories because it was sent with lots of love !!!

All my frnds they are quite in good number were disappointed coz I cudnt meet ne1 coz I had promised my family ppl tht will spend my day with them n being a grl of my word did the same. But all in all not a happening n rocking day but was filled with lotta good wishes n blessing from elders n lot of love frm yonger ones, a very contending day..

N yea for being from a gujrati family 23 = 25, so wid it came in lotta advices n suggestions n do’d n don’t’s hehehe hahaha.. some interesting things and very appealing n out of the box kinda advice were given… I hv rocking ppl in my family.. cheers to them.

Again its JULY…

Since Friday I was feeling really sad n low. I just had this strange thing that I was missing something in life and didn’t know y was I feeling so. I told this to few of my frnds, and they got worried and kept pestering me to tell them wht was wrong, but I kept telling them I really didn’t know wht was wrong. They kept asking me so many times tht I switched off my phone n told them the phone stopped working coz it got wet in the rain. I still hvnt spoken to ne1 and its now 5 days n my phone is still switched off…

Did I tell them the truth????
Nopes…. I really knew wht was wrong wid me n wht I was missing so much…. Y am I always in a self-denial mode????

Today reminds of July ’02 – for the first time when I decided to move towards something I badly wanted in my life. This feeling spontaneously awakened the so called writer/poet withing me. I started writing small thoughtful articles n poems in hindi which eventually led me to write everyday… God knows how much I used to write, the moment I had even like 5 mins of free time I used to sit wid my dairy and keep writing. I have a collection of 8 diaries all filled with writings in HINDI (one is with nikki which she stole, so total 9). Something I was really possessive about n till today no1 is allowed to neither read them nor even touch them.

Then came Dec ’02, in just 6 months reality struck me really hard and there I was all scattered around in lil pieces which were so difficult to gather. I was still gathering the scattered pieces even after 5 years until today. I remem tht nite when I controlled my tears till every1 went to sleep n then I locked myself in the kitchen n cried all thru the nite. When I woke up in the morning my eyes were really badly swollen with puffiness n my mum dad thought tht I had got an eye infection unaware of the nite tht passed by was a really long n a bad one.

It was a big challenge for me to gather myself at tht point of time widout letting my family know wht I had been thru. I had none of my frnds around, I had to do it all by myself. At so many times I felt tht I wanted to hug them n cry myself out but was unable to do tht. It took really really long for me to recover. The biggest thing tht I feared and I still fear is myself n my emotions. I dint realize tht I stopped accepting my feeling. Thts y I say I was in a self denial mode. I had locked myself somewhere deep within my heart.

I lost myself being DARSHITA – the arrogant, shrud, sarcastic, bitchy, fussy, strict, selfish gal & TASHI – the stupid, idiot emotional fool who used to move one with a simple kind gesture. I was totally lost being one of the two and forgot tht ME was a good and right mix of both of them.

Today after 5 yrs, mnth of JULY – while I was solving my sis’s math’s problems, AGAIN a few words came to my mind and I penned them down till I finished it. To what I read tht I had written – don’t know, but it sounded a kind of a message to me. I just went in a sound silent thought. Again I cried locking myself in the room after reading wht I had written. But this time it was for good. I just felt I found all the scattered lil pieces n I was once again the same old gal.

The next thing I did was removed all those diaries and even without opening them once I went n threw them in guttar. Aaahhhh but it dint hurt me at all while doing this n it surprised me in it itself. My mum, dad n my sis were shocked to see tht I actually threw them off. Hehehe hahaha

Today I’m so much relaxed, gathered and all collected very much open in my mind. I have set new goals for myself and will move ahead with them. Wow.. after so long I m feeling so light at heart and head….

It’s been like Lost and Found… Yippee.. cheers